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ISN’T THIS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING EVER?  ANSWER: YES, YES IT IS.

facts-i-just-made-up:

Xbox One Controller Features Biometric Security

In an attempt to quell the bad publicity generated by certain E3 announcements, Microsoft has announced a second round of features for the Xbox One, starting with its controller.

Most technologically advanced of these features are the biometrics. Both thumbsticks feature fingerprint readers that can instantly recognize the player. This will not only allow users to sign in with a simple touch, but for the system to deny access to unregistered players who haven’t paid the guest charge.

Pretty high tech stuff, but not the centerpiece of the new controller when it comes to functionality. The “Impulse Trigger” rumble motors will provide a new level of depth to gameplay. While the concept of a rumble pack goes all the way back to StarFox 64, the new Impulse system goes farther than any system to date to become one with the player. The trigger buttons both feature several tiny needles that (painlessly) penetrate the player’s fingers to deliver intense (painful) electrical shocks, while simultaneously sampling DNA and minor changes in blood chemistry that will let the game change to better fit the mood and, says Microsoft, even the ethnicity of the player.

“We at Microsoft feel that the best Xbox games should be reserved only for the Aryan race,” said spokesman Francis Sham, “As most games will prove too demanding for degenerate bloodlines or “Mudbloods” as we call them, the controller will deny them access to most of our early releases. We still intend to cater to these audiences of course, and will be releasing games designed for them down the road that have been simplified for their inferior minds.

Though this biometric system will be included in all Xbox One controllers, the modifications will prove costly so all previously ordered consoles will be shipped without any controllers, which will be sold separately for $299 each. The consoles won’t work without them and Microsoft is only manufacturing 700 in time for the release, so order yours today!